‘Bachelor Knight’ or — Childcare Grant?

‘Bachelor Knight’ (1947), or ‘The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer’, concerns Cary Grant who is coerced into seducing an underaged Shirley Temple in… hang on! Am I watching another fucking paedo movie?! If so then this is the second one this week! Oh well, I guess the Universe is trying to tell me something, although quite what that is I shudder to think. Anyway…

Fortunately ‘Bachelor Knight’ takes the strong moral position that falling in love with children is a bad idea, so that’s something I guess. Although what’s really weird is that Grant has to do this in order to AVOID jail time.

You see, Dick Nugent (Cary Grant) is an artist but also a bit of a bad boy which is why he is currently standing before the town judge for starting a brawl in a nightclub. The judge lets Dick Nugent go, hopefully to become a ‘new gent’. Later Dick gives a talk about art at the local high school where 17 year old Susan Turner (Shirley Temple) becomes immediately infatuated with him. Susan prefers older men, not the unsophisticated boys at her school so Susan suggests to Dick that she can model for him that evening, something Dick isn’t too sure about. He might be a cad but he’s not an idiot! And besides, she’s only 17 so it’s disgusting; much better to wait a few months until she’s 18 when everything will be morally and legally fine (?!).

Undeterred, Susan arrives at Dick’s apartment that evening only for Susan’s sister to turn up and catch Dick with Susan and it doesn’t look good at all. Not only that but Susan’s sister, Margaret (Myrna Loy), is the town’s judge Dick had only previously been standing before!

A friendly psychiatrist informs Margaret that to shatter Susan’s infatuation with Dick now would have serious consequences on her mental health and sexual development (??!!) so they decide the best course of action (this is a judge and a psychiatrist we’re talking about here, remember) is to make Dick date Susan until Susan becomes tired of Dick (yeah yeah, I know) and walks away of her own volition and accord and with her sanity intact.

But considering that Margaret would also like to meet a sophisticated man who looks like Cary Grant herself then who knows where all this will lead?

What’s really infuriating about ‘Bachelor Knight’ is that it blindingly obvious where this is all going to lead from the very start and, even more frustratingly, doesn’t get there until the very last minute so if this movie feels like a piece of fluff then that’s because it is.

We know that Grant and Loy are going to be the ones who end up together but they hardly share any screen time at all because they’re deliberately being kept apart for a final realisation and embrace. This means we never get to see them fall in love, bond, connect, flirt or do any of the things that might lead to love. They end up together but that’s only because that’s how these films end.

And that’s it!

Also, because Grant and Temple can’t have an actual romance (thank god!) it renders their relationship meaningless too. Sure, the dialogue is pretty witty with a few nice zingers but there’s no weight to any of this, possibly because considering the subject matter there can’t be. There’s certainly not much chemistry here, despite all the effort being put in.

So the main problem with ‘Bachelor Knight’ is entirely down to the structure of the script, as though it could’ve done with a few more drafts or a fresh set of eyes to adjust the character interactions (turns out this script won an Oscar so that shows you how much I know!). And it is a shame because there’s a lot of enjoyable stuff going on here but there’s nothing to ground it just enough that we actually start to care about these people or their outcomes.

Also, despite Grant being his usual, charming self that’s ALL we get to know about his character and the only reason people fall in love with him — because he’s Cary Grant. We never get to observe him paint or see any of his art-work and we know nothing about him or his past other than he has a twinkle in his eye for the ladies. This, and this alone, is the only reason Margaret and Susan fall for him. Oddly enough, this felt even more retrograde than any of the potentially creepy teenage sex shit.

‘Bachelor Knight’ is not a terrible movie but it’s neither as good as it could’ve been. It handles its rather weird premise with care and has some lines that really sparkle but it drops the ball when it comes to providing anything more than this. I was just relieved it wasn’t TOO creepy.

Except…

Except for one genuinely creepy moment during the opening credits and that’s where it states that “Shirley Temple appears on loan from David O’ Selznick”. Not only does this turn Temple into Selznick’s possession but had me thinking about what poor Temple had to endure in real life in Hollywood besides running around Selznick’s office table in fear whilst he wheezily and breathlessly chased after her in his stockinged feet.

Now THAT would be a very problematic and uncomfortable movie to sit through!