‘Borderlands’ or — Less FPS, More FFS?

I’m a big fan of the Borderlands game series, and when I mean big I mean BIG: I’ve maxed out all the achievements for the first two games… twice (first on their original release and then their remasters), know my Hyperions from my Dahls, have an extremely powerful Fl4k build and will freely admit to having a rather large crush on Lilith (“Is there no end to my power?!” No, Lilith. No there isn’t). So when I heard there was going to be a Borderlands movie I was pretty excited and when the trailer dropped for Eli Roth’s… Eli Roth?! Oh Christ.

Now now, Colin. Don’t be all snobby and judgemental just because you can’t stand Eli Roth. It might not be THAT bad. Just go to the cinema and see what it’s like.

And I’m just back from the cinema to see what it’s like so now I know what it’s like and yeah, it’s bloody terrible!

‘Borderlands’ (2024) is certainly Borderlands with the game’s general aesthetic, characters and vibe nailed to a decent degree that’ll keep most fans happy. The thing is it’s a very surface level interpretation of the game (‘The Super Bros. Mario Movie’ had more depth than this), so although there’s plenty of visual references on display nothing of any real interest is done with them; it’s a generic fantasy romp in a Borderlands skin.

Lilith (Cate Blanchett) is a bounty hunter hired to track down Tiny Tina (Arianna Greenblatt) as she is part of the key to opening the vault on the planet of Pandora. A group of vault-hunters and misfits — Roland (Kevin Hart), Krieg (Florian Munteanu), Claptrap (Jack Black) and Tannis (Jamie Lee Curtis) — join them so it’s a race (or something) to get to the vault before the bad guys… do whatever it is they’re going to do?

This is the main problem with ‘Borderlands’ — narratively it’s a deeply confusing mess. Sitting there watching it you’re constantly wondering what it’s all about. Is it about the key? The vault? What’s inside the vault? The firehawk? It has the feeling of a script butchered to pieces until any cohesion has been ground down into a pile of formless mince.

This sensation of panic-induced meddling and interference is further enhanced by the film’s runtime as ‘Borderlands’ is a scant 90 minutes, or slightly above including credits. Normally a short runtime is great but here you can see the gaps, the spaces and the missing content so the movie doesn’t so much unfold before our eyes as collapse in front of our very feet.

Not only that but for a movie adaptation of a video game that’s focused squarely on nothing but countless guns of various exotic varieties there’s almost zero focus on the weaponry. It’s like watching ‘Gran Turismo’ (2023) but they forgot to include the driving.

The other big problem is that, outside of the fan base, who cares? From the get-go we’re hit with constant exposition that clarifies nothing so unless you know your Badonkadonks from your Threshers you’re not going to give a shit about any of this.

Is there any good? Well, Cate Blanchett is cool as Lilith although the film is in such a state you can see her throw in the towel and engage auto-pilot half an hour in. But that’s about it.

Ultimately the film is too unsatisfying for fans of the game, too incomprehensible for anyone else and too inherently defective for both demographics.

You might want to phase-walk away from this one.