‘Cats’ or — Hooper’s Hubris?
”Has the Moon lost her memory?” No, but I wish mine could be wiped clean of the last two hours.
So this afternoon I saw Tom Hooper’s ‘Cats’ (2019) and as it is Christmas, and the season of goodwill, I’ll refrain from shoving this particular creature in a bag and giving it a good kicking and, instead, embrace it with the spirit of… actually, who am I kidding? This movie is an abomination and for so, so many reasons. The only problem is where to begin with this monstrosity? Actually, it’s blindingly obvious where to begin because the blame solely lies at the feet of director Tom Hooper, who possibly should never have made this film in the first place, and Andrew Lloyd Webber, who should never have written it to begin with.
Every single creative decision is horrible and I’m not just talking about the CGI make-up but, specifically, Hooper’s directing which is utterly ill-suited to the material. His style means, again, we have a musical saddled with shaky cam, fast editing and excessive close-ups possibly because Hooper thinks this makes it cinematic as this is what the theatre experience can’t provide, but also failing to understand that it is the absence of these that make musicals work; we need the time and space to see the performers perform, see the movement, watch interactions. Instead Hooper is either going for extreme close-ups or erratic cutting which is fine for a Leone movie but death for a musical. The result is absolute confusion watching what is going on on-screen, a confusion compounded by garish production design, inconsistencies of scale, arbitrary location jumping and nightmarish special effects.
Actually, I do need to mention the special effects as a lot has been said about them including Hooper stating they are in the process of reworking them… after the film has been released. This is insanity. Firstly, the film is out there and Hooper, and us, should just live with it. If these effects weren’t ready on release then that’s Hooper’s fault and if I was the studio head agreeing to any of this I’d be absolutely furious with him. Secondly, it’s not a question of effects fidelity or if they’re working or not and it most certainly isn’t the fault of the effects artists. They could work on these effects until the end of time and they would still never work because what the effects artists have been asked to do is hideously misguided from inception — James Corden as a cat in a rubbish-bin having a river of champagne poured down his throat is never going to be convincing in ANY universe. It’s not a question of effects fidelity but conceptual integrity. Plus, the decisions to “hybridise” human and cat is insane resulting in many moments where the actor’s face seems to almost be floating over their cat body reminding me of that moment in ‘Invasion of The Body Snatchers’ (1978) of the dog with the tramp’s head… and that moment gave me nightmares for weeks. Imagine an entire musical performed by THAT freak!
Not only that but the majority of the effects work (again, I suspect this was a directorial decision) are shockingly weightless. All effects artists strive for heft and weight in their work but they’ve been directed to have Idris Elba and Rebel Wilson flying and floating about like popped helium balloons. These effects artists never had a chance in hell.
Talking of hell, let’s get to the music. I’ll be honest and admit I can’t stand Andrew Lloyd Webber finding him a composer who simply and violently swings from late Romanticism to early 70’s soft rock as though everything interesting in between — serialism, minimalism, John Cage, free-jazz, atonal — had never existed. I don’t mind mainstream but this is just dull. I’d also never noticed before just how ugly and clunky Webber’s handling of rhyme and rhythm were. He has none of the propulsive, fluid flow of Sondheim (it feels like sacrilege even comparing these two against each other) or the lush orchestration of Michael Legrand’s work with Jacques Demy. Instead it’s bland repetition and the sonic palette of someone using the factory pre-sets on a Yamaha DX7 and going ”That’ll do”. And am I the only one whose toes curl when I hear a rock band drum-kit suddenly kick in in a musical? Ugh.
The performers do their best but what they’re being asked to do is so insane that their performance is almost irrelevant, especially when they’re looking like their trying to push their face through a piece of plastic sheeting with an animal pattern on it. James Corden is annoying, Rebel Wilson falls over a lot and Judy Dench, covered in golden fur and looking tired and exhausted, looks like Oz’s the Cowardly Lion after several bouts of chemotherapy. There’s dancing but it’s impossible to appreciate because it’s impossible to tell what’s real skill and what’s CGI.
Not only that but a total lack of over arcing narrative means you’re unable to orient yourself in the story (spoilers — there isn’t one) and giving the feeling of being potentially stuck in this world forever with no idea when it is going to end. At least ‘The Wiz’ (the closest comparison to ‘Cats’ in being another garish, ghastly, ill-conceived, unbearable musical) had a clear through-line and the sense of knowing that blessed relief of it ending was in sight.
‘Cats’ is a misguided mess but that should come as no surprise. What was a surprise was how boring it was although this does mean it is highly unlikely that this is ever going to become an ironic classic or fun spite-watch; it’s just too tedious for that. So what should be done with ‘Cats’? Should it be tied-up in a bag and flung in a river? Or maybe buried deep in the bowels of the earth and forgotten forever? No, as that could result in it gaining some sort of unearned mystique. It should be kept out in the open and accepted as it is, without tweaking or ”improving” effects. It should be acknowledged as existing as it is to act as a warning to audiences and filmmakers alike as to how far things can go wrong and as a constant reminder to Tom Hooper that he might want to make different decisions when making his next movie… if he ever gets the chance after this. I’m not sure this is a film that’s going to disappear from his memory anytime soon and, somehow, that feels kinda appropriate and maybe one day we’ll all remember a time when happiness was.
