‘Gladiator II’ or — Return of the Wheat/Soil Groper?
In ‘Gladiator II’ (2024) some guy we don’t give a toss about sees his wife killed by the Romans. This, not surprisingly, makes him a bit miffed, which is more than can be said for the audience as we knew so little about her that her death has the same devastating emotional impact on us as when we’ve just realised we’ve been eating the soup course using our dessert spoon.
This guy we don’t care about then sets out to become Rome’s greatest gladiator so he can then kill the Romans who killed his wife that nobody cares about. This is all we know about him or ever will.
The only other piece of information we have about this guy is that he’s the son of Russell Crowe from the first ‘Gladiator’ movie. We suspect this because, just like Russell Crowe, he can’t stop touching wheat, barley or any other form of cereal he claps his eyes on. That and dirt. This is a compulsion — if he sees some wheat or dirt he has to start touching it. This is because Ridley Scott has been watching Terrence Malick movies and according to Terrence Malick movies a sign that someone is sensitive and spiritual is that they can’t resist feeling up the wheat like some crop harassing deviant.
The bad guys don’t fondle wheat. This is one of the reasons we know they’re bad — their complete lack of wheat interaction. The other reason is because they giggle like children and are sexually deviant which are always signs of being a bad guy.
The wheat feeling guy we don’t care about then fights a series of increasingly silly animals — some crazy monkeys, a rhinoceros, a couple of confused sharks — and then kills the Romans who killed his wife who, by this time, we’ve forgotten about entirely meaning our investment in this dude hasn’t only flat-lined but has actively decreased.
With our engagement levels fully charged at absolute zero the film comes to an end but not before we have a glimpse of the heavenly after-life which is nothing but endless fields of wheat which Russell Crowe and his family can now molest for all eternity.
Wheat abuse aside, the big problem with ‘Gladiator II’ isn’t just that it’s deeply repetitive, totally unoriginal or wholly predictable but how stodgy and bland it all is. For example, the films of Ernst Lubitsch were so full of life and zest that people would compare them to freshly poured glasses of Champagne. ‘Gladiator II’, on the other hand, is so starchy and dull it’s like looking at a giant, unseasoned boiled potato for two and half hours.
Highly recommended for fans of ancient Rome or gluten perverts.
