‘Godzilla: King of The Monsters’ or — Colin Edwards’ Psychiatric Evaluation.
The President of Legendary Pictures,
2900 W Alameda Ave,
My name is Dr Horatio Magma (qualified psychotherapist and masseuse) and I am writing on behalf of my client, Mr Colin Edwards, with a preliminary psychiatric report on his mental state before legal proceedings are initiated against you and your company for the damage your product has caused him and, no doubt, countless innocent others.
It seems that on the 31/05/19 he saw your “movie” ‘Godzilla: King of The Monsters’ (2019), a film so horrifically inane, so mind-numbingly awful that the experience has lead to massive brain trauma along with severe and permanent damage to his cerebral functioning. Needless to say his lawyer shall be contacting you regarding the impending court-case.
It was at precisely 8:45 A.M. this morning that my client burst into my office, interrupting my early routine of practising the marimba in the process, in such a state and babbling such insane nonsense that I immediately diagnosed that he was in the middle of a severe psychotic episode. It wasn’t until thirty minutes later that I realised that he was actually attempting to explain the plot of your movie to me. It appears that the script to your film was not written by an actual human being but, instead, created by a random cliché generator because, from what I could ascertain my client’s screaming and ranting, absolutely nothing in your feature makes any sense whatsoever.
Apparently this film which you have released to the public contains plot-lines that lurch so violently from one ridiculous piece of “bat-shit nonsense” to the next and with such idiotic ferocity that it has caused deep lesions in my client’s temporal lobe whilst his cerebellum and brain stem have suffered such intense trauma that they defy medical description, doubt inflicted by witnessing character motivations that flail about like an octopus in a food-processor and a script that is so baffling in its stupidity it could induce seizures in a carrot.
Sure, my clients I.Q. was never particularly high in the first place, sitting at a modest 57, but for someone who use to work in the Scottish media this was abnormally high. After your movie it has now plunged permanently to 12 and he can now only communicate by banging pieces of wood together.
For example — in your movie, how does it work that in order to combat global warming your answer seems to be to have a mother of two unleash giant monsters on the world only for her to realise it might have been a mistake to unleash giant monsters on the world because even someone with the mental processing power of an ant could see that the way to combat global warming is not to unleash giant monsters on the world and they are now left with the problem of having giant monsters unleashed on the world?
Now I am only a psychotherapist but even I am aware that there is a rule in filmmaking called “show don’t tell” whereas it seems you appear to be following the rule of “show AND tell” where every single character describes what is happening before the audiences eyes that is so strikingly obvious, so painfully patronising that brain-functioning immediately starts shutting down in anyone who is exposed to it.
In closing this report on my client’s mental health I would just like to point out something that you and your studio seem to have forgotten which is that ‘Godzilla’ was, and always should be, a rallying cry against nuclear weapons and their use. This was a monster movie made by Japan, a nation which suffered the incalculable trauma of being the only county to have had an atomic bomb dropped on them twice, along with multiple testings by your nation off their coast resulting in multiple deaths from radiation sickness. Your film, on the other hand, culminates with the plot device of having an atomic bomb being the way to SAVE the world with its detonation giving Godzilla the power to defeat the baddies. Do you not think this not only misses the ENTIRE POINT of the original but is also vastly distasteful to those who were killed in the attacks? I guess the difference is that the original, superior ‘Godzilla’ was made by a nation who suffered from the dropping of the bomb whilst this infantile, offensive mess was made by the nation who were the ones who actually DROPPED it in the first place. This could be why the movie is so insensitive, so offensive, so morally repugnant that it feels like the product of a nation that is technically a war criminal. Possibly because it fucking is.
Dr Horatio Magma Phd, M.D., MBBS, International Massage Diploma Level 3.