‘Materialists’ or — The Rom-less Com-less Rom-Com?

Celine Song’s ‘Materialists’ (2025) is the most infuriating movie of the year because I can’t remember the last time a film impressed me so much with its sensitive handling of deeply human issues yet had me praying to God almighty that Vyvyan Bastard from ‘The Young Ones’ would suddenly crash through a wall and start destroying everything in sight.

Lucy (Dakota Johnson) is a professional matchmaker who finds herself with the unbearable dilemma of having to choose between financial security in the form of Pedro Pascal or the romantic love a broke Chris Evans is offering. It’s set in Manhattan. It raises important questions about the de-humanising effects of Capitalism. It treats its characters with respect and care. It completely got on my nerves.

Those expecting a rom-com will be sorely disappointed because this isn’t a rom-com in the slightest as nothing funny happens or is said by anyone at any point in the movie. Yet neither is ‘Materialists’ a drama because at no point does anything dramatic or interesting happen either. Not only that but the film is so desperate to humanise its characters that it flattens them out into psychological pancakes.

Take Lucy. She’s an expert matchmaker highly skilled at making people feel validated, wanted and worthy. It’s her mask, her professional persona, one we’ll inevitably see her drop to gradually reveal her true nature. Except that doesn’t happen because this IS her true nature. She does, from her fundamental core, exude that carefully manufactured air of gentle reassurance and calming comfort throughout the entire movie. Admirable qualities, sure, but it gives her all the personality of a scented candle.

Where’s the growth? The sacrifice? The risk? Towards the end there’s a moment of TERRIBLE CRISIS yet it doesn’t happen to Lucy but someone else… and Lucy is, technically, the cause of it. Yet instead of suffering consequences, shouldering blame or grappling with guilt it’s an opportunity for Lucy to swoop in, save the day and, ultimately, feel smug about herself. She’s then professionally, financially and romantically rewarded for having made other people’s lives a misery. Er… yay?

Maybe I’m the problem as I like to be challenged, surprised and shocked by cinema and ‘Materialists’ feels as though its constructed to soothe as it dissects its relationships (it’s like watching some Éric Rohmer whilst being given an aromatherapy foot-rub as New Age music softly plays). You can sense it wanting to grapple with the uncomfortable soil of love yet simultaneously terrified of actually getting its hands dirty.

Yes, we do see flaws but rather than inhabiting any of our blessed holy trinity of main characters these human imperfections are projected outwards onto others, such as Lucy’s clients (according to this movie if you’re single you’re an unhinged psychopath). At one point Johnson and Evans make a snide remark about a former roommate of his, a novelist who never managed to get anything published. Is this a comment on the inability to let go of unattainable dreams or the mocking demonisation of failure? It’s frequently hard to tell but it only adds to the sensation we’re watching a movie unwilling to acknowledge its own dark shadow. The consequence? The picture feels shallow, condescending and judgy.

And it’s a shame because the moments that work — quiet conversations of fragile intimacy — really work, so its even more infuriating when the dialogue collapses from the genuinely tender into the screamingly banal to the extent it feels lifted from ‘Star Wars: Episode II — Attack of the Clones’ (2002).

JOHN: You asked how I could love you. I just do; it’s the easiest thing.

LUCY: I love you too. More than you know. You’re the only reason I know I’m capable of love.

It was then I found myself expecting them to start discussing how much they hate sand because it gets everywhere.

As I said, ‘Materialists’ isn’t a bad film but, dear god, it desperately needed to be a damn sight more interesting than it is. Hence why I was praying for Ade Edmondson to spontaneously appear and set everybody on fire.