Sergio Martino’s ‘Hands of Steel’ or — The Best Arm-Wrestling Cyborg Movie Ever Made?
Sergio Martino’s ‘Hands of Steel’ aka ‘Atomic Cyborg’ aka ‘Vendetta dal Futuro’ (1986) is set in the future. We know this because our “hero”, Paco, has a digital watch that is also a calculator signifying massive steps forward in our current technology and, not only that, every wall or room as a piece of piping or a vent sticking out of it… even Paco’s car. Vents and bits of pipe mean the future.
Paco has been set to kill a man although quite why or who this guy is is kinda easy to forget but it seems to have something to do with futuristic politics or something. Either way, the job goes wrong and Paco has to flee down some electrical venting system before the evil people that created him, and who sent him on the job, can track him down. The FBI and cops are also on his tail although they are so inept that it isn’t until the very end of the movie that they actual figure out what the hell is going on.
Fleeing by car into the desert and bravely ignoring the warning signs that tell us “CAUTION! ACID RAIN!”, Paco takes refuge in a remote and run-down bar/hotel/junk-yard that’s also a hub for arm-wrestlers, arm-wrestlers who are also a gang of scum lead by George Eastman (‘Rabid Dogs’, ‘Porno Holocaust’).
The scum want rid of Paco yet Paco has become friendly with the bar/hotel/junk-yard’s owner, Linda. To help Linda out Paco cleans up cleans up the bar/hotel/junk-yard then cleans up the scum before going off to save some children from falling into a canyon… although could this last one be a devious set-up by the scum to lure Paco into a trap? I won’t ruin the twist (but it is).
The scum fight Paco yet why is Paco never bleeding or injured? This is when the devastating truth is discovered and we are left in a state of shock at the mind-blowing realisation as well as the deftness of film’s story-telling — Paco is a cyborg! He is a cyborg created by evil industrialist John Saxon who now wants Paco dead for botching assassination job.
Will the scum destroy Paco before he can settle down with Linda and do… er… whatever it is cyborgs do? Will the cops and the FBI catch up with Paco? Will John Saxon and his men catch Paco? Watch ‘Hands of Steel’ and find out!
‘Hands of Steel’ is so low-budget it makes Charles Band’s ‘Trancers’ (1984) look like ‘Blade Runner: 2049’ (2017) and is so brain-boggling daft that it’s hard to figure out if it is even watchable or not as it combines (or tries to) future-noir, martial arts, arm-wrestling, sci-fi and action all into one. It is also crammed with dialogue so appalling you will laugh, including lines such as — “It wasn’t especially large but it felt hard, extremely hard” or “Anyone know this piece of rat turd?” and “When I get through with you you’re going to have to wipe your ass with your nose.”
It’s all extremely stupid.
And then something really bizarre happens. About 55 minutes in the entire film suddenly explodes and it is balls-to-the-wall, non-stop insanity until the closing credits roll. It is relentless and really pretty entertaining including everything from a bargain-basement Priss from ‘Blade Runner’ fight, decapitations, shotguns with grenade launchers, tonnes of gun-fire, a helicopter chase, a truck attack and all accompanied by the relentless pounding of arpeggiated synths with orchestral stabs and it’s fucking awesome… and that’s even before John Saxon goes ape-shit with a giant laser.
It climaxes with Paco raising the important question of can we ever know what human identity really is… actually, no it doesn’t. It just sort of stops and announces that the era of the cyborg has begun even though it seems Paco doesn’t really want to go on living or what even he doesn’t seem so sure what he would do if he did.
‘Hands of Steel’ is stupid and daft… but also a lot of arm-wrestling cyborg fun.
