‘The Beastmaster’ or — Ferrets and Tits?
If you were to ask me what I thought of ‘The Beastmaster’ (1982) I’d probably think “ferrets and tits”. Juvenile, I know but I hadn’t seen the film since I was fifteen until last night and it’s also highly accurate because there’s nothing more to this film other than ferrets and tits. The good news is ferrets and tits are fun but the bad news is ferrets and tits can only get you so far when you have a two hour runtime to pad out.
I can’t say ‘The Beastmaster’ isn’t as good as I remember because I never thought it was very good in the first place. It’s, basically, Conan the Barbarian meets Dr Doolittle as Marc Singer plays the muscular Beastmaster who can talk to the animals and command them to kill people. Now that might sound exciting, especially if you factor in the ferrets and tits, but ‘The Beastmaster’ is a real slog to sit through and by the time it does pick up it all feels a little too late.
This could be down to the look of the film which has that cheap 80’s sword and sorcery look which was the bane of so many fantasy movies until ‘The Lord of The Rings’ came along and showed everyone how it should be done. It could also be the generic revenge plot which is, simply, a generic revenge plot. But I think it’s the pacing which is stodgy, lumpen and dull. If the Beastmaster can command the animals then he must’ve commanded the script be written by snails.
The editing is clunky and possessing none of the punch of Coscarelli’s earlier ‘Phantasm’ (1979), so a black panther will savagely leap at a guy only for the guy to then awkwardly stumble over in an unconvincing manner, or an eagle might dive-bomb a bad guy’s face only to cut to a reaction shot of the bad guy looking as though he’s got the shampoo in his eyes. And there’s two hours of this shit to sit through.
Likewise the music has a feeling of overfamiliarity and I kept wondering if the score hadn’t been lifted wholesale from one of the Star Trek movies, which only adds to that generic sensation. If ‘The Beastmaster’ had a flavour, a taste, then it would be of mashed potato… with no salt or cream or anything else at all.
The film kinda picks up towards the end when the monsters with glowing green eyes chase them but that’s mainly because it would’ve been a miracle if the film had become any more boring. But even here the film trips itself up, possibly because the ferrets are running about and getting under everyone’s feet. Daring descents down cliff faces become laughably inert and last minute rescues baffle rather than excite meaning there’s no sensation of climax or culmination or suspense or anything for that matter.
‘The Beastmaster’ is bland and average. It’s a bowl of boiled rice or plan pasta in that it’s not going to effect you in any way but won’t particularly stimulate you either. It’s instantly forgettable. I only rewatched it last night and, once again, all I can tell you about it is that it has ferrets and tits, and that’s it.
