‘The Rock’ or — F%&k This Movie.
(Warning — contains strong language)
I wanted something exciting and fun to watch last night. “I know!” I said to myself, “I’ll revisit ‘The Rock’! That’s exciting and fun.” It was only halfway through that I suddenly remembered — “Hang on; I can’t stand this fucking movie!” And it’s true. I’d forgotten that when I came out the cinema on its release I’d declared to my friends “What a risible piece of shit!”
The initial problem with ‘The Rock’ (1996) is that it’s a deceptively bad movie as it starts off relatively okay. Sure, it’s stupid, offensive, idiotic, obnoxious, grating, shallow, sneering, distasteful and repulsive… but it’s at least kinda fun and, besides, those are actually compliments when talking about a Michael Bay movie. Yes, Nicholas Cage’s character is deeply unlikable and Sean Connery is an unpleasant asshole but hey, maybe they’ll have carefully crafted character arcs and develop and grow into real human beings. The film zooms along, there’s plenty of action and Michael Bay directs with a planet-sized ego of boundless confidence that justifies his impact on action films and video games, specifically Call of Duty. The first 45 minutes are explosive and the first act (if you can call it that as I’m not sure this film has acts) climaxes with a pretty exciting, if cinematically ugly, car chase. The only problem is ‘The Rock’ is 2 hours and 16 mins long meaning there’s still another HOUR AND A HALF to go!
And it’s here I think people forget something about ‘The Rock’ and it’s this — this is one fucking boring movie! Because for all the pyrotechnics, flying bullets, explosions, flames, shouting, swearing, killings, fighter jets, rockets and Conneryisms the action rhythm of ‘The Rock’ becomes thuddingly monotonous to the point of tedium. All contrast, nuance or tonal variation is lost, smothered by a relentless pummeling of the senses that doesn’t initiate excitement but, instead, complete exhaustion. The experience becomes quickly repetitive — the same shots, the same beats, the same clichés, the same rhythm to the editing, the same music plastered and smeared across everything — turning the film into a wearisome slog.
Hey! Maybe Sean Connery’s charm can save the day! Unfortunately not because it turns out Connery and Cage do have character arcs but it’s one that turns them from unlikable assholes all the way to utterly obnoxious wankers whom I was hoping would get accidentally shot by their own men. “Winners go home and fuck the prom queen” says Connery to which Cage replies “Carla was the prom queen”.
This is when I shouted at my TV — “Fuck you Sean Connery and fuck you Nicholas Cage! In fact, fuck this fucking movie!” because you know what, if you’re a woman then, according to this film, your only function is to wait at home for your husband to come back from brutally killing dozens of people and then take his combined raging machismo and residual anger out on your genitals. Oh, and you’d better be a prom queen too because if you’re not THE most attractive woman around then fuck you too because you’re insignificant and worthless. Oh, and I’d also like to add that what with the increasingly nasty, shouty, sweary tone ‘The Rock’ develops as it goes along that, by this point, Connery is such an aggressive piece of work that I’m not even sure if the prom queen is going to get any say as to whether she gets fucked or not. It might not be intentional in the film but that threat is certainly there in spirit. This film happily, enthusiastically, guzzles down the jizz-pumping shaft of the military with gusto and glee but treats women, and human beings in general, with utter contempt. Add this to the already relentless noise of everything else going on and it’s like sitting next to a drunken college jock pissed on Bud who’s punching you on the arm whilst yelling about Ayn Rand, Neo-Conservatism and masturbating on cheerleaders.
‘The Rock’ is a nasty, grubby, repellent, dull, repugnant, malignant piece of shit. It glorifies violence, militarism and macho excess whilst viewing anything of real human value with complete disdain. This film is not a winner in any sense of the word and should be kept away from prom queens or any decent human being for that matter. It should, like Connery’s character, be permanently locked-up in isolation where it can be left alone to simply fuck itself.
