‘Twilight’ or — Intentionally Stupid and F*cked-Up?
The problem with watching ‘Twilight’ (2008) for the first time in this day and age, something I did last night, is that you do so in a world where everyone knows that Robert Pattinson is a genuinely good actor. So when Edward and Bella have their exchange in the woods where Edward warns her that he’s “designed to kill. I’ve killed people before” and she’s all like “Yeah, sure. Whatevs” I couldn’t help thinking — “This guy’s a genius!” That’s because Pattinson totally gets the material he’s working with and knows exactly what to do with it.
Two others who also get the material they’re working with are director Catherine Hardwicke and scriptwriter Melissa Rosenberg as you can tell they’re both fully aware that filming an erotic fantasy for fourteen year old girls written by a sexually frustrated Mormon housewife is going to be inherently ridiculous. Seriously, think about it. Are you telling me that a highly paid, highly experienced, highly talented Hollywood screenwriter wouldn’t be sitting back in her chair and laughing her ass off after writing the line — “Money, sex, money, sex, cat”?
Now I’m a middle-aged man so have no idea what the erotic fantasies of fourteen year old girls or sexually frustrated Mormon housewives consist of but I’m going to go out on a limb and hazard a guess that they might exceptionally daft (I don’t know. Something along the lines of being kidnapped by a handsome highwayman who’s half pirate/half sexually impotent robot written in the style of Barbara Cartland but it’s also a musical as well as an anime? That kinda thing). In that respect ‘Twilight’ makes perfect sense and why its “problematic” issues (and this film has many issues) are also its appeal.
So in that context the thought of falling in love with a sparkly vampire who wants to eat you but can’t because he also wants to have sex with you but can’t have sex with you because he also wants to eat you is inherently awesome. Why? Because it’s nice to be noticed. Likewise with the stalking. Is it creepy and weird to have a strange man sneak into your bedroom at night to watch you sleep? Of course! But not if that’s what you want him to do.
(Incidentally, when Edward makes that tinkling noise whenever he turns into a hot disco ball in the sun, is that meant to be part of the soundtrack or the noise he is actually making? Because if it’s the noise he’s actually making then whenever he takes his shirt off he sounds like a high-pitched xylophone)
So the rules of reality cannot (and should not) be applied to this movie, especially when it comes to the dialogue (“Since when do vampires play baseball?”). There’s a moment when Edward puts on some music and tells Bella “It’s Debussy” to which she replies “Yeah, Clair de Lune’s great.” Who the hell talks like that?
Then again, Bella is a bit of a klutz. She seems to have trouble walking without falling over. She can’t cook, surf, dance or breathe with her mouth closed. At one point she pulls out a can of pepper spray and I was half expecting her to accidentally set it off into her own face. It’s no wonder Edward feels protective of Bella because she’s a walking life insurance claim.
The film ends with Bella being attacked by a “bad” vampire but fortunately Edward and his family turn up and save her by… ripping the bad vampire’s head off and setting his decapitated body on fire?! I guess I really do have no idea what the erotic fantasies of sexually frustrated Mormon housewives actually are.
‘Twilight‘ is hilarious (I could watch Alice Cullen pitch a baseball all day). It feels like it was made by people who reassured author Stephanie Meyer that they’d treat her source material with dignity and respect only to then go on to immediately take the piss. And it’s that knowingness that makes the film work because yes, ‘Twilight’ is intensely stupid and fucked-up but if you watch it and find it stupid and fucked-up then you’re also missing the point, because that IS the point.
